Restrain Sexual Desires!

What do you want written on your tombstone someday? Assuming that you'll be buried rather than cremated, what words do you want people to see when they pass by your final resting place? Sometimes the problems that husbands and wives have in life continue on after they're gone. Here are a few examples from actual tombstones:

"Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake;
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin',
So he sought for repose in a twelve dollar coffin."

"Beneath this stone, a lump of clay
Lies Arabella Young
Who on the 21st of May
Began to hold her tongue."

"Sacred to the memory of
Elisha Philbrook and his wife Sarah
Beneath these stones do lie,
Back to back, my wife and I!
When the last trumpet the air shall fill,
If she gets up, I'll just lie still."

"Here lies a lewd fellow
Who while he drew breath
In the midst of life
Was in quest of Death
Which he quickly obtained
For it cost him his life
For being in bed
With another man's wife."

When most couples get married, they anticipate a joyful, fun-filled life together, an extension of the special times they had while dating. But it doesn't take wives or husbands long after the wedding to realize that they married a real person, not a fantasy. Statistics tell us that about half of all couples in our culture work at working out their marital issues while another half stop working and settle for a divorce. And when men or women are having problems inside their marriage, they sometimes instinctively look for comfort outside their marriage. Some statistics cited by pollsters indicate that the majority of married men have had an affair and that close to half of all women have had one as well. It's easy to feel that you're missing something if you haven't been involved with someone else. But in the back of all our minds is the seventh commandment, found in Exodus 20:14: "You shall not commit adultery." This statement instantly raises some questions:

1. What is adultery?

At first glance, the word "adultery" seems to have something to do with being an adult.Theologian J. I. Packer said that when he was a kid, he thought adultery was "a grown-up way of behaving!" Someone else said they thought adultery was "pretending to be older than you are." The most common definition is that adultery is "sexual intercourse between a husband or wife and someone outside their marriage." God designed sex to be expressed exclusively inside heterosexual marriage. It's one of His best gifts. But adultery involves extramarital sexual activity. Our culture uses other terms for adultery, such as "being unfaithful" or "having an affair" or "infidelity." While "adultery" refers to sex outside marriage, "fornication" refers to sex before marriage (I Corinthians 6:18), although "fornication" is now translated "sexual immorality" in many newer Bible translations (like the NIV).

Adultery was considered to be the "great sin" in many ancient cultures. It was so serious in the Old Testament that the death penalty was prescribed for it. Leviticus 20:10 says, "If a man commits adultery with another man's wife – with the wife of his neighbor – both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death." Deuteronomy 22:22 adds, "If a man is found sleeping with another man's wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die. You must purge the evil from Israel." In point of fact, most Hebrew adulterers weren't stoned because Judaism required two or three witnesses to establish guilt and they usually couldn't find that many. But adultery in Israel not only damaged a marriage and a family but the larger community because it was built upon strong families. However, in our culture, adultery has been legal for a long time and is considered to be a mark of sophistication for many people, especially the elites. Actress Jennifer Aniston once commented on a movie she had coming out called Derailed, a film about an extramarital affair that ends violently. She said, "It will be one of those movies you leave and say, 'The affair thing!Maybe not!'" That's as far as our culture goes on this issue.

But sex is a gift from God designed exclusively for marriage.Proverbs 5:15-17 offers us timeless wisdom, comparing a wife to precious water: "Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers." People back then owned private cisterns and wells to hold their precious water.The water was for their family alone. In the same way, a husband was to find sexual fulfillment from his wife and not from any other woman.

Some of us are feeling pretty good at this point because we haven't been physically unfaithful to our husbands or wives. But Jesus extended the meaning of this command-ment in the Sermon on the Mount when He said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28). Jesus tells us that even if a man hasn't committed physical adultery He can commit mental adultery.

Dr. Archibald Hart, in his book The Sexual Man, reports on his findings from a survey he did of men he calls "monogamous, mainstream and modest" rather than sexually deviant. He asked these men how strong their attraction is to other women. He writes, "About 33 percent, or one in three, married, morally upright and good men acknowledged that they were either extremely or strongly attracted to women other than their wives. Many men are bothered by the fact that they feel attracted to pretty women. The fact is, men notice attractive women, and they'd have to be blind and brain damaged not to. No immorality is implied just because a man notices a pretty woman." But there is a difference between having feelings for someone and acting on those feelings. Dr. Hart continues: "One in three married men is strongly attracted, and this attraction is in a sexual way. They don't necessarily do anything about it. They don't act out their attraction. They certainly don't leave their marriages or become unfaithful. But married men do experience sexual attraction toward other women. And this attraction is the beginning of lust – a word so old-fashioned that one hesitates to use it." Pastor Bill Hybels adds that lust is "an imagined seduction, a mental undressing, and a conscious fantasy of having a sexual relationship with that person." This happens with both men and women, but men visit fantasyland a lot more often than women – even good, Christian men.

What can men do about this? Dr. Hart notes that men would like to talk to their wives about it but don't feel they can. He writes, "Women cannot understand why, if their husbands really love them, they would think of other women. So men feel misunderstood, condemned, and even despised. They withdraw into themselves and avoid sharing such intimate, dark secrets that could jeopardize their marital happiness." Men want to share these thoughts with their wives, but they tend to pull back at the first sign of rejection. So if a man can't talk about these issues with his wife, who can he talk with? There are three options. First, a man can talk with a friend who will keep his feelings confidential. Men, if you share your struggles with another man, he will probably share his struggles with you as well and that will keep you both honest. Next, men can become involved with a small group of guys where trust is built over time so men can share their true feelings with each other. The group will hold you accountable and help you to grow. Finally, men, if you can't find anyone to share your feelings with, find a Christian counselor that you can share with.

Before we go any further, let's admit that all of us have broken the seventh commandment mentally so we can't sit in judgment on those who have also broken it physically. To those of you who have broken this commandment, I invite you to repent of your sin and to receive the grace of God who promises to forgive every sin based on Jesus' death on the cross. He paid for our sins so we don't have to. While you may have a difficult time forgiving yourself for what you have done, God wants to cleanse you completely. Go to Him and confess your sin and receive His forgiveness. As Jesus told the woman caught in adultery, "Neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin" (John 8:11). Next:

2. How does adultery occur?

A lot of people are naïve as to why people commit adultery. They assume that it's due to unbridled passion and that they are immune from having it happen to them.But when we know what causes affairs, we're better prepared to head them off.

The first reason people engage in affairs is loneliness. When I was 26, I fulfilled a lifelong dream and flew to Florida to attend various baseball spring training camps. My brother John flew from Denver to meet me and we spent a few days together but I also spent three days in Florida by myself. This was the first time in my marriage that I had traveled alone and I ached for someone to talk with when John wasn't around. Remember what God told Adam in Genesis 2:18? He said, "It is not good for the man to be alone." Because it was the first time that I had ever experienced that kind of loneliness before, I felt vulnerable, even though I didn't act on my feelings. (This was before we had cell phones or text messaging which makes staying in touch with your loved ones a lot easier.) But after that trip, I understood firsthand how lonely feelings can trigger desperate actions. Now when I travel, I almost always make sure that I'm traveling with my wife or family or friends.Some of you know exactly what I mean.

A lot of lonely people visit chat rooms on the web and develop relationships with people they don't know and have never met. They can even invest more time with their online friends than with their own husbands or wives. I know a married man who began visiting chat rooms and finally set up a meeting with another woman, and when his wife found out about it, it almost ended their marriage.If you're lonely, chat with your spouse instead.

The second reason people engage in affairs is lust. Lust often fuels adultery. But before lust goes public, it's usually fueled by mental and visual stimulation – and even the godliest men have been exposed to lustful material at one time or another. In his biography of Billy Graham, A Prophet with Honor, author William Martin recounts a time twenty-five years ago when Billy Graham and actress Joan Collins were both booked on The Merv Griffin Show on the same day. Graham's staff was really nervous because they weren't sure that he knew what she stood for. The first question Merv Griffin asked Graham was, "Billy, were you aware that Joan Collins has appeared in Playboy?" Billy Graham answered, "Yes, I've seen it. Someone showed it to me in the barbershop." Does it shock you then even Billy Graham has seen things like that? Then he went on to share the gospel! Although I am not minimizing the negative impact of a magazine like Playboy, both men and woman are far more susceptible these days to what's online. It's one thing to be exposed to them accidentally. It's quite another to be exposed to them intentionally.

Let's talk just for a moment about online porn. The use of online porn is presently at epidemic levels even among Jesus' followers. Some people who view illicit images on the web are occasional users who have a problem that they may be able to conquer through genuine repentance and a computer filter. Others who view porn online have become sexual addicts who cannot live without constant online stimulation, and according to Zogby International, this includes 17% of all women. Why do people access porn? Boredom.Curiosity. But ultimately, it's a false substitute for love. If you need more and more sexual stimuli just to get through life, I encourage you to get help before you act out with a real live person. Those who offer assistance are not there to condemn you but to help you break free of addiction. You aren't alone and you aren't a pervert. Ten years ago, I met a man named Harry Schaumburg at a conference center in Colorado. Schaumburg wrote a book called False Intimacy and runs a ministry called Stone Gate Resources. His ministry is designed to help people break free of their addictions. You can access his website at www.harryschaumburg.com. I also recommend the website of Focus on the Family at www.focusonthefamily.comas well. Jesus can give you the power to be clean and free.

The third reason people engage in affairs is life issues. For a marriage to work, both a husband and a wife need to give it lots of time and attention. But when crises arise in the course of married life, the energy that normally goes into the marriage now goes into solving the crisis, and when that happens, a husband or wife become more susceptible to an affair. Let's say that a couple has two children and the wife becomes pregnant with a third. Her first two pregnancies went well, but this time, she's constantly sick and can't take care of the house or her kids, so her husband has to step in and take over. At first, he does a great job, but as her pregnancy continues, he becomes increasingly resentful because he's now doing his work and hers with no end in sight. And because she's not feeling well, who's taking care of him? Nobody. As his physical and emotional resources become depleted, he now becomes vulnerable to the attentions of another woman, especially if she offers him nurture. In the seasons of a marriage, crises like childbirth or illness or a job loss or a family death or a financial reversal or an empty nest can leave a husband or wife vulnerable to an affair. Many spouses say they feel trapped when these crises arise and an affair becomes tempting because it seems like a way to escape from the trap. If this describes you, realize that your situation won't last forever.If you cry out to God, He will give you His divine resources. And it's always wise to ask a few people to be a support group for you during a stressful time.

The final reason people engage in affairs is unmet needs. Christian counselor Willard Harley wrote a book back in the eighties called His Needs, Her Needs in which he says that affairs are caused by unmet needs in a marriage. When a man is meeting all five of his wife's needs, she won't be susceptible to an affair, and when a wife is meeting her husband's needs completely, he won't be looking around for companionship, either. If you'd like to know more about Dr Harley's theory, check out his website at www.marriagebuilders.com.

3. What is the aftermath of adultery?

Here are the possibilities whenever someone engages in an affair:

Some affairs are never discovered. Nobody ever finds out. Two people die knowing the truth while they hide what they've done from everybody else. As my daughter Sarah once said when she was small, "Thou shalt not admit adultery." That paragon of journalistic virtue, Barbara Walters, recently wrote a book in which she confessed an affair she had with a United States Senator. Even though I heard her explain why she told the world about it, it didn't seem to be therapeutic or a warning for others because she was proud of her affair. She wanted people to know. While a relatively few people die with their secrets:

Most affairs become public knowledge. For affairs to remain secretive, both partners must be equally motivated to keep things quiet. But if just one other person knows, the chances are that it will become known sooner rather than later.One of my favorite sports heroes growing up was Los Angeles Dodgers' shortstop Maury Wills. He had an affair with a famous Hollywood actress and neither one of them revealed it for decades until one of Wills' teammates wrote a book and spilled the beans! Then Wills wrote a book where he talked about it because his teammate had written about it. Most people can't keep secrets very well, even when it makes them look bad, so it's best to avoid affairs altogether.

Some affairs end in marriage. When I grew up in Anaheim, my brother became best friends with a kid down the street. Both my brother and I got to know their family and really liked them. The father of my brother's friend also happened to be the chairman of the deacons at a church where I had a lot of friends. For some reason, this man had an affair with another woman. His church pled with him to give her up and return to his wife but he refused. He eventually divorced his wife and married his new lover. But a few years later, when the fantasy wore off and he realized his kids no longer respected him, he had a reality check and asked himself, "What have I done?" He tried to make things right with his ex-wife, but by then, it was too late. And whenever an affair ends in marriage, this means that:

Some affairs end a marriage. Jesus said in Matthew 19:9: "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9). The Christian church has always recognized this exception clause when it comes to divorce. Adultery breaks the marital bond and allows the innocent spouse to divorce the offending spouse without sinning. But because Jesus forgives all sins, it is always best to try and reconcile rather than throw in the towel. But both partners need to be willing to work at the marriage for that to occur – like we saw in today's drama.

All affairs devastate people. Randy Alcorn is a pastor with an extensive writing ministry, and years ago, he listed the consequences of committing adultery, and I've never forgotten what he wrote. He said that if he engaged in an affair, he would grieve the Lord; have to account to Jesus someday for what He did; inflict untold hurt on his wife; hurt his two beloved daughters; harm his ability to teach his children about godliness and marriage; possibly be forced to get a divorce; create a form of guilt that's hard to shake; have to deal with flashbacks and memories that could impact intimacy with his wife; undermine the example of other Christian leaders in the community; heap difficulty on the person with whom he was involved; and possibly gain an STD or cause a pregnancy. I would add that a couple's children or other observers might be so shaken that they could abandon their faith. We can control our choices but we can't always control the consequences of our choices.

I share these words not to heap guilt on anyone who has been through this but to make all of us think through what could happen if we find ourselves heading down this path. Pain from adultery can last a long time and God wants to spare us from it. Finally:

4. How can we prevent adultery happening to us?

Dr. Archibald Hart, whom I quoted earlier, often says that every married person has his or her price. Every one of us will someday meet a person of the opposite sex who is our dream come true – and this happens to good, moral men and women as well. Dr. Hart writes to men, "These women are so appealing to us and so able to attract us that we would sell our souls, abandon our families, and throw away everything we stand for to be with such a person."Many people assume that a man is looking for an upgrade in appearance but more likely he's looking for an upgrade in acceptance. If he feels rejected at home, and he meets someone who thinks he's special, it's very intoxicating. No matter how great your marriage is, no matter how moral and spiritual you are, none of us is beyond temptation. How can we avoid having this happen to us?

First, practice sensible boundaries. Like most men, I like women. Women are great!But like Paul told Timothy, I try and view older women as mothers and younger women as sisters (I Timothy 5:1). I can't dodge women and be a healthy man and I can't avoid women and be an effective pastor.God doesn't call a pastor just to minister to men.

So I enjoy being with women and conversing with women and ministering to women and serving with women. But I try to see women as whole persons rather than objects. Every woman is somebody's daughter or sister or wife or mother. I can enjoy a conversation and even some laughs but I need to know where the boundaries are. I can get to know someone and have them get to know me but I cannot bond with anyone but my wife. I can give parts of myself to people but I can only give my complete self to Kim. I can be friends with women but I can only be close friends with my best friend. By the way, the majority of affairs now originate in the workplace. It's easy to idealize people there because you only see them at their best and rarely at their worst. But if you develop and enforce effective boundaries before something happens, you'll be able to resist temptation.

Second, energize your marriage. Many people assume that if you have a great marriage, you're automatically impervious to having an affair. But that's not true. We are all vulnerable at certain times and with specific individuals. But the single best way to avoid an affair is to put your best thinking into your marriage. Always be planning your next date and your next project and your next trip and the next film you'll see together. Kill boredom by shaking things up and doing something crazy from time-to-time. I think the single best thing a married couple can do to affair-proof their marriage is to engage in regular meaningful conversation where you're sharing authentic thoughts and true feelings. That kind of conversation forms an unbreakable bond.When people have affairs, they spend a lot more time talking than they do in bed. Marriage is hard work, but those who put in the time reap the rewards.

If you could write out what's on your tombstone in advance, what would you want said about your marriage? Take a moment and write it down.

Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith wrote the words to the song Faithless Heart which Susan sang earlier: "Oh, faithless heart, be far away from me, playing games inside my head that no one else can see. Oh faithless heart, you tempt me to the core, but you can't have a hold on me, so don't come around anymore."Let's pray together.